New Toys That Might Suck This Christmas 2008
admin on 09 20, 2009
As Christmas approaches toy companies and retailers start bombarding us with TV commercials and ads everywhere claiming that their top Christmas toys will be the best of the year. Hit. Inevitably some lucky toy maker will fit the bill every year claiming that top Christmas toy spot. But some new toys just don’t make the cut. Here are the toys that might suck this Christmas, I let you decide.
10. USAopoly the Beatles Monopoly game
Monopoly always seems to come out with some new theme for their game. But a Beatles Theme? Sure it might go well for the middle age parents wanting to relive some portion of their youth, but overall, the younger crowd might pass on this game for Christmas. What’s going to represent the crappy real estate or negative community chest cards? Yoko’s art, her music collaborations with John, Paul in Winger? Do not pass go, do marry a one-legged gold-digger?
9. The Obama Action Figure
Wait, What… is this really going to be marketed to children? It will be interesting to see if Hasbro (enter in whoever is actually making the toy) offers a McCain action figure. For starters it seems that this would be ripe for manipulation. I can already see a Fox news report with a headline like “McCain action figures flying off the shelves heading into the election. Obama figures collecting dust.” If you really were going to come out with political action figures they should be satirical. John McCain’s figure can’t raise his kung-fu grip above his head. Sarah Palin’s figure comes with her favorite pooch (Bulldog), cosmetic accessory (lipstick), 12 gauge shotgun and Tina Fey style glasses. Barack is wide open for ridicule. His long legs should be over emphasized (“long legged mack daddy”) and his accessories could be a resume with just a few lines on it. I don’t anticipate any of these figures to be popular with the kids. It used to be fun to pretend to be Snake Eyes or He-Man in the yard, but what kind of exciting lines can kids possibly have for a political action figure. “Quick, to the Oval Office where I’ll do absolutely nothing to change the average American’s life.
8. Star Trek the Original Series Tricorder
Yes! This is at the top of my list this Christmas. However its dull design and lack of color might not go over well for the kids. Plus chances are they’re more familiar with the Suite Life of Zack and Cody more than that sweet noise the Tricorder makes. “Captains log, I seem to have made my way to a planet inhabited with 40 year old Star Trek fan boys. There’s very little of interest here and this planet seems totally uninhabited by anything resembling a female.
7. Melissa and Doug Slice and Bake Cookie Set
With products like the Easy Bake Oven and editable play dough, I don’t think wooden cookies are going to go over well. Especially if Suzy has an easy bake oven and tries to bake some of those wooden cookies. You might be in for a smoky treat.
6. Perfume Science Kit
I got to give it to them for trying to captivate the little girl scientists of the world. Not to be sexist, but typically science toys mostly do well for boys. Not to say that girls will not like this kit, I just don’t think they will sell very many. However maybe if marketed properly… After all have you ever walked through Macy’s and had someone pepper you with samples of JLO, Beyonce or Paris Hilton’s latest odoriferous delight. I have a sneaking suspicion that this kit might be part of the fragrance development process.
5. Illuminated Ant Gel Habitat
I have to be honest and say that I’m on the fence for this fancy ant farm of the future. While the classic ant farm has been a staple for so many little boys growing up, It’s just not as appealing today. I could see a battle ant farm coming out, where you could put two warring ant species in different sides and then remove a barrier in the middle to let the battle begin. That might do very well.
4. Nickelodeon Super Slimer
A Toy gun that squirts out slime all over the place. Whoever designed this obviously doesn’t have children. While the manufacturer says that the slime is easy to clean and leaves no residue. I think I saw too much “You can’t do that on Television” to trust the Nickelodeon chemists to not stain something. No doubt parents will still be very cautious about buying anything that squirts slime out.
3. Lincoln Logs Abraham Lincoln Bicentennial Edition Tin
Build a replica of Abraham Lincoln’s log cabin out of Lincoln logs. Why? With such building materials as Legos, K’Nex, Gears and those cool magnetic ones, Lincoln Logs just don’t have the wow factor anymore. I could see a Lego sets that actually reproduces his attempted (Lincoln didn’t die immediately) assassination at Fords Theatre. The only thing this toy will inspire is playground beatings and a structure to set on fire with a magnifying glass. Lincoln’s Log Cabin Inferno!
Great gift for classic horror movie fans but for kids, this gift is for the birds.
2. 25th Anniversary Cabbage Patch Kids
They’re back! While this might be a great toy this year, my personal distaste for cabbage patch dolls put this toy on my list. Instead of coming out with new dolls the company decided to use the original design, names, birth dates, hair and clothes from the 80’s. I’m sorry but who really wants to have to explain to the kids about why the doll is older than mommy or daddy and still hasn’t grown up. Hormone imbalance, living under power lines; take your pick. Kids seem so much more advanced I can’t see these dull (and frankly creepy) dolls gaining much interest. Usually anything that you tell your kids that Mom or Dad used to have when she was little is the exact way to make them hate it.
1. Barbie – Alfred Hitchcock The Birds Doll
What’s scarier than the movie “The Birds”? How about a Barbie doll with little crows attached to her. I know Barbie is a collector’s item, and this would fall into that category, but I don’t think kids will connect with this toy. First of all for this to resonate with any child they would have had to have seen the movie. Secondly, if that’s the case and your child has seen the classic film undoubtedly you’re spending hundreds every month on psychotherapy and actually giving them this gift would only cost you thousands more in the long run.
